There is no doubt that the world is becoming more connected. In a modern world the phrase "time heals all wounds" is no longer applicable.
Time from what, exactly?
How can you check out of a relationship when you are connected by Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you know their mobile number off by heart, you remember their username on forums and you have mutual friends uploading photos with your ex in them. It has become almost impossible to move on from a relationship without having to have the gut wrenching "what if..." moments and relive the break up every time their cyber presence pops up into your online newsfeed.
Over a month ago now, what I thought was the inconceivable happened to me. My partner and best friend of almost 5 years woke up one day and decided he did not love me anymore. He had dealt with the end of the relationship before I even knew their were issues, and my attempts to analyse and understand the situation proved futile. I lost my home, my heart and my self for the 2 weeks that followed. I went through a constant battle with myself, feeling helpless, insecure, alone and worthless. Getting through each day in initial 2 weeks was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
A friend of mine explained one especially dark day, that "it is not time that heals us, it's great friends". He was, as my friends usually are, right.
By surrounding myself with people who loved me for who I was, I discovered some things about myself I had forgotten, or maybe never even learned. The most important of which, why would I long for someone who does not appreciate me for who I am, who resented me for my passions and successes, and who left me feeling so emotionally drained and vulnerable for nothing? In a one sided relationship I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to become. I sacrificed so much for someone who did not want to sacrifice any, and left people who genuinely cared about me as a second consideration when they were and have always been the supporting, loving foundation of my life. My friends are my lifeblood, they challenge me, encourage me, entertain me and wonder me. They are loves of mine that will last a lifetime.
A different friend of mine quoted something I had said to her many years ago back to me. Sometimes things need to fall completely apart in order to make room for something even more amazing.
And I have found something amazing. I have found myself.
I'm not writing this in order to blame or argue. I am writing this for my own clarity and closure. I loved the time I spent in love with the boy who captured my heart when I was 16. He is, however, no longer that boy. And I am no longer 16. The more time that passes, the more it is obvious that we will never be the same again. That is something that used to terrify me. Today, it excites and thrills me.
I love me. I am happy. I am loved.
